Letter: T-S 24.47

Translated by Amir Ashur.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower (Proverbs 18:10).

My lord and master of my soul, and the object of my hopes and longings. Because of his sadness and his poor health, and due to other circumstances, your slave [i.e., the writer] is suffering; he is unable to read your lord’s letter properly. And how can I read a missive from a person of his splendor while I am suffering? And especially when I prevent myself from [enjoying] any happiness, joy, or gaiety? [ . . . ]

And neither the tongue nor the writing hand is sufficient for describing even a little of my suffering due to the predestination of God, may He be exalted. And I swear, Have pity upon me, have pity upon me, O my friends (Job 19:21) because of my mourning over my master, lord, and teacher Eli. And in your servant has materialized what is mentioned in scripture: I was not at ease, neither was I quiet, neither had I rest (Job 3:26). And my destiny set me up for His mark, and He has caused the arrows of His quiver to enter into my reins (Lamentations 3:13) in rage and wrath, and He has set me down as an empty vessel (Jeremiah 51:34), and stood forth with his helmet—he led me, while he removed the turban and lifted the crown from off my head. And the sun went down at noon, and the lintel struck my dwelling place, and the door jambs shook. [ . . . ]

And I have carried His horrors and the burden of His wrath until I . . . , to restore comforts to Him and the mourners of His people, as it says: Comfort, comfort My people, says your God (Isaiah 40:1). And who will come after the king, [to do] what has already been done (Ecclesiastes 2:12)? And who may say to him, “What are you doing?” (Ecclesiastes 8:4). It is obligated by scripture and the Justification of the Judgment [i.e., the funeral prayer known as Tsiduk ha-din]: “His laws are true, and His actions are correct.” As was said by His faithful one—may he rest in peace: In God I will praise His word; in the Lord I will praise His word (Psalms 56:11). Either with a measure of justice or with a measure of mercy I will praise His word. And so on. Of kindness and justice I will sing (Psalms 101:1). “If it is kindness, I will sing, and if it is justice, I will sing” [b. Berakhot 60b]. No matter which measure, we must all thank Him—may He be eternally exalted.

My lord and master, the Knower of Mysteries alone knows how upset I am and how much regret I feel because of my fierce longing, desire, and impatience to see my lord—may our Merciful One protect him—and my sorrow for the time that has passed and been wasted because I was not in the presence of your noble honor, and that I did not remain in the same place as him. And I felt regret for not delaying my trip that year—only when it was too late already. Had I done so, I would have enjoyed his company while traveling. You know, your honor, that I lack sufficient endurance to be distant from him even one hour—so I have suffered great distress and trouble that I would have saved myself [had I only postponed my journey]—all those sufferings and hardships which I’m dealing with would have been prevented!

And it is not enough that I suffered a great disaster by losing the one whom I miss and by my mourning over his death, but also more hardships were added to me after his demise. In addition, I behaved like one whose dead lies right before him. First came mourning and then hardship. Also, there was a court session in which a disagreement between the judges occurred—some relevant to the matter and some not, and more difficult matters that I lack the space to describe here. And at that time, the merchandise started to be sold at good prices in the market while your servant was suffering from great distress. And I have stayed in Alexandria one year less one month, in a dreadful state such as only the Creator knows, may His name be great—as a foreigner, mourning, in the most miserable agony and deep sorrow, because I wanted to make it hard for myself and to live a life of sorrow in every way. And several times, I wanted to die. And I did not allow myself the pleasures of life, and I stopped drinking wine and eating meat and fruits and other delights. And even now I remain attached to this way, and yet I still haven’t found any comfort after the demise of the one I miss. And truly it is confirmed in me; I shall go down to him in mourning, even unto Sheol [see Genesis 37:35].

And because I prolonged my stay in No Amon [Alexandria] over this time, to no advantage, all the issues that needed to be arranged were delayed—the examination of the inheritance, the estate, and all the other issues—nothing was arranged before I arrived here, and even now, nothing is arranged. When I am here in person . . . The deposit has been locked away by the court, and I cannot find out anything about it, and it is included with other people’s deposits, legal deeds, marriage contracts, and bills of divorce—everything that should be deposited with a court. All of it is inaccessible to the public, kept under seal till today. And they number thirty items. There is another issue, which the page is too short to describe. And my lord’s forgiveness overcame our difficult circumstances. My heart has already announced to the extent of his mercy how much I suffer from this difficult situation and the illness.

And yet we should not complain unless in front of Him; and He gives this knowledge to His servant; and to Him I give thanks. It is impossible for a person to live all his life in happiness and ease. And the living will die and will leave the world—this is the structure of life. If the world would remain forever for one who comes first, it would not be available for one who comes later.

To sum up: I swear in the name of your kindness and benevolence—if I knew about his death while I was in al-Andalus, I would not have left there, for the rest of my life. And I also would not have been able to assist my lord to depart [al-Andalus] and travel, not having the person I admire. And most people [are without] happiness after the death of the head of [the academy, and] from what happened through the vicissitudes of time and the misfortunes of fate, and the deaths of the heads, the excellent elders. [ . . . ] The outstanding men of their generation, and its princes and its servants, were killed; they went out hastened and pressed by their king’s command [see Esther 8:14]. Some are still in prison today, and a few are under house arrest, and so forth. No one can utter it (Ecclesiastes 1:8). The events that took place over the five years in which your servant was absent are troubles that have not met their parallel throughout the years.

And only the Creator, blessed and exalted, knows how much shame and disgrace his servant feels at what you say about the beauty of the land, its praise and wonders, and at what you tell of them, and about those you miss from among the people of ideals, leadership, and piety, when the evil non-Jew plotted. Because most of it has ceased to be, if not all of it. And indeed, what should I say, what should I speak to my Lord, and how should I exonerate myself [see Genesis 44:16] to my Lord about the loss of the righteous, the death of the faithful men and the demise of the purest one, and the death of some of the leading lights [“highest lamps”] of the Jews. They shall come forth into the palace of the King (Daniel 1:4) who sat first in the kingdom. And in their absence, some long-standing privileges of the Jews have been taken away.

But the Creator—may He be exalted—had mercy on us and left us a remainder and a remnant, and He made the sun of our nagid rise, the leader of our generation, our lord Samuel the great nagid—may his glory and splendor be exalted, before the sunset of our gaon—may he find rest—to set a remnant in the land, to preserve a great people. Because he was, in truth and sincerity, already among the king’s great courtiers, who ranked highest in the kingdom (Esther 1:14). And afterwards, the king lifted him up, bestowing on him honor and power, and sat him on the throne of Israel to dispense justice and righteousness. Are not his ways and his character known and renowned among all who pass through here? And his qualities and his gifts are all honesty and worthiness, and the fear of his God is his way of life.

And I swear by your mercy and your noble self, which is in the highest realms of splendor. . . . May God heal me with your assistance. I am certain beyond doubt that my agony will come to an end when I am finally in the same place as you. The life of your servant depends on your life. He who testifies for me is on high (Job 16:19). And be steadfast as the witness in the sky. Selah (Psalms 89:38).

Written in haste, at night, out of great sadness and great worry. Sorry and sorry again. And peace.